How To Be a Seriously Awesome Wizard: Part 2- A Wand of Wizardly Magic

If the Wizard hat is the first thing your opponent will see, then the Wizard's wand should be one of the last. Granted, a true Wizard does not actually need a wand to cast his or her spells, but usually likes to use it just to show off. Therefore, picking a good wand is essential in striking fear into the hearts of your foes*

(* Robots, Draculas, and Universes do not have hearts, so take extra caution when fighting these tricky enemies!)

The last thing any self respecting spellcaster wants is to pull out his or her wand for a little magical trickery only to be laughed out of the annual Wizard's Ball for accidentally setting the Grand Wizard's wife on fire even though she totally had it coming and even though you apologized the next time you saw them both at the Wizard grocery store.

"But how do I know how to pick a good wand?" you might be asking. Well shut the hell up and stop asking stupid questions, because I am about to inform you.

Let's begin with the basic wand:

The Destroyer 4000:

This is a pretty basic wand, if you are into that sort of thing. It sports a solid gold core, and can cast a pretty mean Fireball spell, if needed. It even appears to have some kind of creepy glowing tip, which I suppose would make it annoying at night when you are trying to fucking sleep.

The Magical Pony Fairy Princess DEATH-O-MATIC 2.0:

Ok, I'm not judging you, but if you choose this wand you probably suck at magic. This wand would most likely fit perfectly in that glitter-covered satchel your grandma made for you that time you invited your best buddy over and braided each others hair, and is perfect for those Wizards that ride pink unicorns into battle. It casts a good rainbow blaster spell, and can clone kittens left and right.

The Magiconquerer:

This wand may not look like much, but it's what inside that counts. It hosts a core made from 100% Dracula souls, and was used by many famous wizards including Dresh the Faceblaster and The Fresh Prince of Hell-air. It is particularly useful when casting a Frozen Fire spell, or a Wine out of Nowhere spell.

The Dragonius Magnifecius Mind Melter X-Treme

The Rolls Royce of wands. This little baby has all sorts of crystals and dragons on it, which lets other Wizards know you mean business. It can cast just about any spell with deadly accuracy, and also works as a programmable remote. It is the only wand in existence that can cast the legendary "Fireball Shitstorm" spell.

Chances are one of these wands is the right fit for you. But remember, a Wizards BEST wand is usually his ultra-powerful, awe-inspiring BRAIN.

How To Be a Seriously Awesome Wizard: Part 1- The Wizard Hat

The answer to this question should always be yes. The attire a Wizard places upon his magical brow can make or break that Wizard's street cred in the Wizarding underground. The hat is the first thing anyone sees upon first glance at said Wizard, so it is very important you make a good impression.

In picking a Wizard hat there are several things to consider:

1: What kind of Wizard are you?

This will be your most important choice in detirmining the hat you should use. Are you an old, batshit crazy, kindly old grandpa Wizard? Or rather an evil, coniving, half demonic Wizard from who-the-fuck-knows-where-so-you'd-better-watch-your-fucking-back?

If you answered YES to the first one, youre looking at this:
But if you answered a Wizardly YEAH BITCHES to the latter, then strap this in your head:

2: Are you going to store shit IN your hat?
This may sound silly, but some wizards store stuff in their hats. Stuff like wands, castles, frogs, other Wizards, Universes, fireballs, anti-matter, Bumblebeer, and Perfect Temporal Paradoxes just to name a few.

The choice to store all kinds of Wizardly wares in your magical crown might persuade you to buy something along the lines of this hat right here:
You could store all KINDS of wise ass wizardly shit in this hat! It's like some kind of outer space briefcase for placing on your head.

3: Do you want to look like a loser?
If so, make sure you pick up a hat that looks JUST like this one:
Notice the flat brow? If you wear this hat, this flat brow will reflect the flatness that is your Wizardly fashion sense, because this hat is not a Wizard's crown. Indeed, this hat is a WITCH hat. And we all know that a Wizard wearing a witch hat is just about the biggest joke ever. Even more so than a wizard needing a broomstick to fly.

In summary, selecting your Wizardly head piece is often the first, and most important part of learning to become a seriously menacing Wizard. You'll be fighting robots and dinosaurs in no time!

I put on my wizard hat and robe...

I stepped into the moldy, steamy cave of the Dragon lord Blog-Rawr, noticing the dank smell of rotting Grumdarks as I moved over the corpse of a warrior far too foolish for his own good. A puny broadsword lay at his feet. I smiled. Today would be the Dragon lord's last.

I entered the chamber of a Thousand and One Truth's, and stood before the mighty gate of Kir-Azal-Mal-O-Leer-Atak. Legends had told of this gate, and I had heard them all before. But it was what lay beyond that interested me on this day.

I reached into my bag of mega holding and produced a single key.

I gasped for dramatic effect, as the pile of bones around me certainly wasn't going to. The key fit into the lock as was foretold by the book of Dangerous Demonic Dragon Dreams, and I turned it slowly.

There stood before me an empty room, save a small table in the center. Placed upon it were a dagger, a stopwatch, and a roll of parchment. It was then that I knew what must be done. I placed my half-mace, half-great sword, half-Bow of Ancient Lore, upon the ground and picked up the parchment and began to write the story of my journeys.

Blog-Rawr would soon perish...